I have conflicting instincts with regards to my blog, and creative enterprises in general. As is usually the case, I can connect it back to tricking. This weekend, I found myself on the beach with a few friends. I felt like tricking, but I didn’t want to make a spectacle of myself. My entire life, I’ve had people tell me to do things for their own entertainment. “Do a backflip” or “flip off of that wall” have been constant reminders that I am at once different and a source of amusement. Sometimes I’m happy to oblige. Other times, I can’t even be paid to do tricks.
It’s this ambivalence that haunts my blog. I want people to read it, but knowing that they do makes me doubt myself. I try to hold myself to higher standards and, in doing so, I forget why I write blog posts. I write in my blog as an outlet. It’s a facet of my personality, much like tricking is. But knowing I have an audience makes me self-conscious. So I’m doing away with that audience. At least, to some extent.
I’ve heard that there are some people who have a method to their creative endeavors, whether it’s music or dance or writing, but while I have tried to be them, I have never succeeded. I am no pro blogger, no youtube star, no prize-winning poet. I am just me. And this, by god, is my blog. I shall do with it what I like. Even if I just gaze into the wordless page, looking for a reflection in its austerity.