Neal tells me to be quiet all the time :'(
I may not be the model student when it comes to class, but I did manage to pick up a few things this week. Models, classes, the 7 routes for addressing resources. The concept of resources.
I’d elaborate, but I’m far more concerned with how the gap between where I am and where I feel I should be is stressing me out.
I worry that I’m not devoting enough time or working hard enough, focusing well enough. It hit me especially hard this week. My classmates all seem to devote more time and get more results than I do. They are doing tutorials and launching apps. Meanwhile, I stare at routes, controllers, classes, and views, and wonder why I can’t seem to do anything I want to do.
Especially at my internship, where my manager has already said the dreaded word “results.” I feel rushed, thrown in the deep end. The consultant who’s helping me focuses in like a laser on fine details when I need broad overviews, tells me to do three things in order to accomplish one thing.
A wise man once asked me, “what’s the worst that can happen?” and shocked me out of a lifetime of guilt and self-blame. Thankfully, now, as then, the worst that can happen really isn’t so bad. Worst that can happen is already happening – I feel useless – but it can only get better from here. I still have a list of tutorials I have to get to. My internship is a wonderful opportunity, I just have to make sure everyone there understands my capabilities, the optimal way to manage my projects, and my primary focus: Code Academy.
It’s been a stressful week. But in the end, I am the source. I can grow beyond the stress, beyond the self-criticism, and still learn and accomplish what I need to.
Build. In the end, that’s what matters.
UPDATE – …and then the linux box I spent hours updating and setting up started billowing smoke:
Finally got my Ubuntu Rails development computer set up! Wait, why is there smoke coming out of it?
— Brian Kung (@briankung) April 29, 2012