It’s My Fault.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I woke up and asked myself “If I died today…?” I fought to answer it. I fought harder to finish asking the question. Then I turned over in my sheets and I went back to sleep.

I napped after lunch. I took another nap before dinner.

My world spins a bit before I lock it down, leaning against a wall. My friend doesn’t notice. We keep shopping. I don’t mention it. Secretly, I hope she notices, but I am over it and she is talking about something else.

I am gaseous constantly. It’s a reminder of the weekend’s food poisoning or stomach flu that had me moaning on the floor on Friday. Whatever it was, it has left me with episodes of diarrhea that have left me dizzyingly dehydrated.

I am at my friend’s place for dinner. I forgot to bring vegetables. People are coming over. When they arrive, I remain staring at the television.

If I died at midnight, in an hour and a half…I would just turn over in my sheets and go to sleep.

I feel angry. Depressed. Alone.

It is all my fault.

It is my fault that I didn’t finish asking myself, “If I died at midnight, how would I spend today? If I died before 6pm? Noon? In five minutes?” It is my fault that I rolled over and went back to sleep. It is my fault that I didn’t get off of the couch before lapsing into another nap. It is my fault that I didn’t tell my friend that I felt unwell. It is my fault that I didn’t talk to anyone. Even the diarrhea is my fault.

It is all my fault.

It is all my fault and I can and I will fix it.

Starting now.

  • If you died today, we would miss you. There’d be a lot of awesome stuff you never got around to doing.

    And try not to be too hard on yourself.